Sorry for all the people sitting in the theatre, but I had a little idea myself.
Anyway, go to
http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/0090/0090_01.asp and read it next to this.
In the not too distant future
Methinks it was 2002
There were these online comic artists
like there are so many too
They happily drew away
pleasing perverts and oraky alike
But Jack Chick didn't like them
so his holy fighters made a strike.
Hard: (He IS gonna regret this)
Piro: (Even I don't deserve this!)
Mika: (Jack Chick NO BAKA!)
POOOEEEEE: (Chicks! Where?)
I'll send them fundie chick tratcs
The worst one I came up with (lalalala)
And they'll have to sit and read them all and I'll make them Christian soldiers
And if you're wondering who updates the comic
And other important facts
The r epeat to yourself
*It's just a Mst*
You really should just relax.
For MISTERY COMIC THEATRE 3000
Satelite of Hentai
We are treated to a sight of hard work. 4 generic drawing tables are next to eachother. From all the tables the sound of people at work can be heard.
From behind the first table whispered cursing can be heard, and various photographs with pieces of anatomy are being looked at at various times. From behind the second table some soft snickering can be heard now and then. A sticker of the Baka faerie decorates the back. Between the second table and the third table is a huge stack of manga's, with the occasional one torn in two showing a struggle that went too far. The third table then is full of other drawings, and from behind it comes a loud sigh now and then, often followed by the sound of paper being crumpled. The fourth table is mainly noticeable because it's surounded by chips, soda's and other sweets. From behind it the sound of a female relishing her snacks can be heard.
Next to all tables is also placed a book, that all four people often refer too. Closer inspection reveals that the book is the St. James Bible.
An alarm went off. Hard, Poe, Piro and Mika stopped their working.
Poe (looking up) Fundies calling. For those of you who wonder. We have been kidnapped by Jack T. Chick with the help of TV Jerry (Falwell) and he forces us to draw biblical stories for him, while he takes over our comics. And that alarm means our time for the comics is up.
Piro: What? But I haven't finished yet.
Hard: Fuck them, I'll show them when I'm ready.
Mika: Well... I'm all done. *jumps from her chair cheerfully.*
Poe: (shrugging and taking his drawings.) Well, you know they're gonna play Christian Rap here if we don't come up with the drawings. I'll just go first.
He went into another room with one chair, a fax machine and a large TV screen. It activated and showed the faces of Jack Chick and TV Jerry.
Chick's arch
Chick: Well damned soul. How did your work go.
SOH
Poe: Well it was a bit hard in the beginning but I DID find something I like in it. And I modified it so it'll appeal to a modern day audience. (he puts the drawings one by one in the fax machine)
CA
Chick: Ah, I see you took the legend of Samson. A good choice. I... euhm...
SOH
Poe: Ah yes. I thought that constant superpowers are a bit boring, so I just took a modern concept and applied it to him. (silence) Well yes, I guess that Samson changing into a sailor fuku and becoming a woman is a bit crazy. But people LOVE crazy And perhaps it's unconventional that Delilah seduces him mostly while he is a woman. (silence) And 'In the name of God I shall punish you' Well, if that's not biblical. And that right next to the more modern 'I am Samson, defender of long hair and monotheism' Oh and pay attention to the special attack. It's a tough job making a sparkling attack with a cheekbone but I succeded.
CA:
Chick: I... see. Euhm... where is God in this story? I didn't see him.
SOH:
Poe: Oh, well I cut his lines down a bit, but he's on page 3, at the bottom.
CA:
Chick: .... Jerry. Push the button please.
SOH
Mika, hard and Piro were waiting outside when an airborn Poe flew trough the air, trailing pages.
Poe (getting up): Well, if you want to get in keenspot from keenspace you HAVE to pander to your audience. And a small kitty with a moon on it's head is not THAT bad as a body for a god. Zeus made due with a goose once for crying out loud. Sheesh.
Hard went in next.
CA
Chick: So, what do you have produced SINNER.
SOH
Hard: Hm... well, I've decided I didn't want to follow the storylines so I just made some sketches of a couple of scenes. You fucking enslaved me to do this, so any complaints you can shove up your...
CA
Chick: Yes, yes... now show it.
SOH
Right (faxes the draswings) Well... the first one is Adam and Eve, going forth an multiplying after being banished from Eden, then there's that woman who disguised herself to fuck her own father. That's King David with the girl he got the husband killed. Oh, and that's that city God gave all the women unnatural urges. Lots of work on that one.
CA
Chick: ...
SOH
Hard: And then there's the last one. It's a bit unusual for me really.
CA
Chick: What do you mean. There are no naked women in it.
SOH
Hard: exactly. Look, it's the one titled Soddom before the fall. I don't usually do yaoi mind you, but it IS in the bible.
CA
Chick: G....G.... Jerry.... button.
Outside the room a disgruntled Poe, a nervous Piro and an eating Mika were treated with the sight of Hard being thrown on the floor, followed by his papers. He angrily rose and yelled at the room.
Hard: Hey, I can't help it your fucking bible isn't G-rated. After I get some more paper I'll go after the NT, and there'll be NO concern for canon. I'll draw Maria Magdalena giving Jesus a blowjob while he's on the cross, and I'll paste it ALL over the internet. (turning away) fucking asshole.
(I have ideads already for the art of the others, but they'll come later.)
Hard: WE'VE GOT A CHICK SIGN.
*Everyone sits at their places Piro-Mika-Poe-Hard*
Hard: Okay, bring it.
Poe: This one better has sex in it.
Mika: Poe...
Poe: you're right, I don't wanna see any of HIS women have sex.
Piro: Can you think of anything but sex?
Poe: Don't know, never tried.
>> That Crazy Guy
Hard: (monotone) I'm not crazy. It was the voices in my head that told me to eat that guy's brains. The voices know.
>> When Suzi got AIDS, she learned that God's demand for sexual purity was for her own good.
Poe: Oh yes, Chick Pr0n, finally.
Piro: I thought you didn't want to see his women naked.
Poe: Hey, I haven't seen naked women in ages, I'll make do with this.
>> Craig: "Two weeks from now I'll pick you up at 7.30. Okay Suzy?"
all: ... (look at first picture.)
Poe: on second thought, I suddenly don't want to see sex anymore.
Mika: Poe doesn't want to see sex? That's a first.
Piro: Jeez man, that guy looks like a steretipical cheap pornstar.
Mika: PIRO! How do you know.
Hard: More importantly, where does Chick gets his inspiration?
>> Suzy: Sure Craig
Hard: I can TASTE the 'dumb bitch' taste from just that picture.
Piro: Anyone think she'll 'discover' Christ at the end?
All raise hands
Hard: Dumb idiots, Chick knows his audience.
>> Craig: I'll show you how to be a real party animal
Mika: Oh dear!
Poe: When was this made? The seventies?
Hard: Well, Chick still lives in the Fifties so that would be his idea of 'new stuff'
>> Suzy: //I never dreamed he'd ask me. I can't believe it. Wow, he's so beautiful//
Poe: HIM? BEAUTIFUL? Where does she live? A Texan Retirement home?
Mika: I think I speak for all women when I say that she does not represent us.
>> // I don't want to mess up THIS date. I'll see if I can get some advise from Ms. Damien. I hope she's home. //
Piro: Euh... Is this standard procedure. Gonna have sex, ask advice at old hag?
Mika: I TOLD you, she does not represent us.
>> Suzy: This is news to me Ms. Damien. Can you help me?
Poe: (Miss Damien) Well of course dear, take of your pants.
Mika: POE!
Hard: Now THAT would be an unexpected twist.
>> Miss Damien: listen kid, as long as you have 'safe sex'...
Piro: Why would Miss Damien be sarcastic about safe sex?
Hard: Smile and nod, Piro, smile and nod.
>> You can get away with ANYTHING!
Poe: Examples woman. Be SPECIFIC!
Piro: What is your obsession with getting Chick to write porn.
Poe: He tries to make me a Christian, I try to make him a porn writer.
>> First you get on the pill. I'll give you some. Your date's in two weeks. That's long enough* (at bottom * Careful Suzi. Miss Damien's advise was wrong)
Mika: Why does he tells that in very small print at the bottom while the wrong advice is there normally.
Poe: Why doesn't he tell Suzy how much time she DOES have to wait.
Piro: Why is he talking to his own characters.
Hard: Why is he writing at all?
All: ...
All but Hard: You win.
>> And I'll throw in a few condoms too.
Piro (TV salesman): And if you get laid by an afful Texan WITHIN TWO WEEKS, we throw in a pack of condoms COMPLETELY FREE. We're SO CHEAP, it's AGAINST GOD's LAWS. CALL NOW!
Hard: it's not like she'd have a use for the things anyway.
>> Suzy: It's so good to have somebody I can trust.
Piro: Well she obviously trusts her. She goes to her and they have a chat about sex, but it's still Miss this and Miss that.
Poe: Perhaps she's a sub and Miss Damien is her dom.
Mika: Poe... I have this big hammer with me.
Poe: Bah...
>> This may sound stupid, could VD be a problem?* (* Venereal disease: The word venereal disease comes from Venus, the love Godess. (See Angel of Light, Pg 15, by Chick Publications)
Hard (redneck): well gawdangit. It's them pagans that invented venereal diseases.
Piro: Would a redneck be able to say venereal disease?
Hard: Hey, no riffing the riffers, or punishment will follow.
>>: Miss Damien: Are you kidding?
Piro: yes. HAHAHAHHAHA
[out of inspiration for a moment. ]
<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: Rand Al'Tor on 2002-05-30 15:04 ]</font>
<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: Rand Al'Tor on 2002-06-07 05:06 ]</font>