One of the stoat-names in Tamayo's script gave me an idea... (familiarity with certain childhood icons required.
This may be of help if anyone is really confused...)
Cast of Characters:
Archie Andrewstoat: A well-meaning but frequently disaster-prone American teenage stoat.
Betty Coopstoat: A sweet athletic stoat, and one of Archie's love interests.
Veronica Van Lodgenstoat: A rich socialite-stoat, Archie's other love interest and Betty's best friend.
Forstoathe "Jughead" Jones: Archie's woman-stoat-hating, hamburger-loving friend. Skinny as a rail despite the latter.
Mr. Lodgenstoat: Veronica's father, a tycoon of some generic and unspecified sort.
Reggie Mantlstoat: Archie's semi-rich friend with open designs on Veronica. Seems like a jerk, but deep down really a jerk.
Dilton Doileystoat: The school nerd. In a stunning example of artistic originality, is short and wears glasses. On his stoat-nose.
Moose Mastoat: An unusually large and stupid stoat. Protective of his "little stoat-buddy", Dilton.
"Big" Ethel Mugsstoat: Jughead's love interest, although it's generally one-way unless she happens to be wearing a burger around her neck, etc.
Mr. Weatherstoat: The hapless principal of Archie's school. Frequently called simply "The Stoat" as a nickname.
Pop Stoate: Owner and manager of Pop's Choklit Stoat-shop, the local hangout and rabbit-shake fountain.
Archie Andrewstoat: Hey guys! Who wants to go for a ride in my stoat-jalopy?
Betty Coopstoat: I would prefer to watch you drown in a pool of your own blood and assorted other bodily fluids that had been extracted painfully through your penis by a hose... I mean, I'd love to, Archie!
Archie: Wha- what? Er, swell, how about you, Veronica?
Veronica Van Lodgenstoat: Oh Archiekins, I'm far too rich to go gallivanting about in that junk heap of yours. Let's take a ride in one of my many stoat-limos instead.
Betty (under breath):
Snotty bitch. Nothing... long leng.. ..razor wire... then through... scraping ... lemon juice... wouldn't fix.
Veronica: What was that, Bettykins?
Betty: Nothing!
Archie: Oookay, then, Betty I guess it's just you and me.
Forstoathe "Jughead" Jones (runs in, out of breath): Arch, old pal- stop yammering with those birds and listen up! They're giving away free stoatburgers at Pop's!
Free burgers! But I've got to get there at 3:00 before they're all gone, by which I mean, anyone else has gotten any! Let's go!
Archie: But I'm just about to go on a ride with, um Betty.
Veronica: Oh, Archiekins! I though
we were going out in one of my
many, many limousines.
Betty: Too bad limousines can't make up for your complete lack of any sort of passion in bed with men, leaving you nothing but a pale substitute in the form of execrable and unfulfilling mind-games, you frigid bitch.
All: ...
Betty: Did I say that out loud?
Jughead: Anyway Arch, we've go to go now! There's no time to lose before Pop Stoate gives out any one of- I mean all of them.
Archie: Er, allright. Girls, is it OK if I drop off Jughead on our way? We'll have to take my car, Veronica's limos are way over on the other side of the stoat-estate, and it'd take an hour to get over there and back.
Veronica: Very well, anything for you, Archiekins. I'll tolerate your plebeian friend in the car with us, so long as he doesn't touch me. Or breathe more that his allotted share of air.
Betty: Fine with me. Maybe this last bout of gluttony will finally cause him to explode messily in a shower of blood, organs and fast-food grease, which is the final fate I and probably everyone else has always assumed for the inexplicably-skinny bastard.
Archie: ...Well. Everybody in!
Veronica: Archie, I simply
must have the full back seat to myself, in order to stretch out languorously as befitting a woman of my high station who is accustomed to a certain lifestyle.
Betty (mumbling):
Speaking of... ck seats... Chuck Claystoat... quite the time... yours... under bleachers... game... st week. Stupid slut. Oh, Veronica! You're so spoiled! Tee hee!
Archie: But gee, if we do that, we won't have room for everyone!
Reggie Mantlstoat (pulls up in his new convertible, screeches to a halt): Whatsamatter, carrot-top, not enough room for the ladies in that heap of yours? I'd be happy to transport either of the gorgeous gals. You can keep pointy-head.
Veronica: Oh thank goodness! A decent car. I'll ride with you, Reggie. (As she get into the car) We'll follow you!
Betty: -Into the accursed maw of the banal version of hell that is life in Riverdale.
Archie: Right... Lets... lets uh, go... gang.
Betty: Sure thing, Archie!
****
(As they are driving, with Reggie following)
Archie: Yikes, I forgot! Today is Saturday, I'm supposed to meet Dilton at school to pick up my science project. He said he'd to make it for me if I promised to introduce him to some girls. I figured Big Ethel and that girl with the weird lump on her head will do...
Jughead: But- food!
Archie: Jug, I've got to do this. The Stoat's threatened to have me expelled and recommend my parents send me off to military boot camp if I miss one more assignment.
Jughead: All right. Just make it quick, will ya?
Betty: Oh for God's sake- Jughead, when are you going to admit your deep lust for Archie's man-cock, you giant flaming homo- excuse me, "woman hater".
Jughead: I... I just wanted a burger.
Betty: Which you will cram into your maw, like you always do, as a way of avoiding your unrequited longing for being able at last to pick red pubic stoat-hairs out of your anus?
Jughead: Wha-
Betty: Oh, never mind, we're here, let's just go...
(after arriving at the school and beginning to walk inside)
Archie: Hey, er, Betty- is anything wrong? I can't quite put my finger on it, but you seem just a little weird today.
Betty: Is anything wrong?
Is anything wrong, you slimy befreckled freak? Let me ask you a question- how long have we been in high school?
Archie: Er, I dunno, 3 or 4 years maybe. I know I'm in-
Betty: Try 60.
Archie: I could be off by a bit...
Betty: 60 years... 60 goddamn baby-fucking years of this inanity. Why are we still in high school? You'd think we'd have graduated, or at least gotten so feeble that the next time you tried to smooch Veronica your stupid stoat-lips would crumble and fall off your desiccated husk of a face just from the pressure.
Jughead: I'll just be eating my emergency burger...
Archie: But... I
like High School. All my friends are here.
Betty: High School! We ought to be college graduates by now with full professorships in every subject know to man, after this much goddamn stoat-schooling, not to mention having children, grandchildren, and possibly even great-fucking-stoat-grandchildren. But no, we're still stuck here, going through the same goddamn shit, you love Veronica, Veronica toys with you, I love you, Reggie loves Veronica, Big Ethel inexplicably loves Jughead, the fag-hag, and around and around it goes until I want to puke out my own eyeballs, grind them into a paste, and force it down your throat until you choke to death and spit up your own spleen, which I can then use to choke Reggie, just so I don't have to deal with it anymore.
Archie: That's, er-
Jughead (from corner): Over here in the corner, if anyone wants me.
Betty: You don't want to hear what I want to do with Veronica. My point is, I'm fucking sick of it. I want out, but my only temporary escape seems to be flying off to some supposedly exotic yet oddly generic-looking vacation spot where I hook up with some blandly attractive stoat-guy before breaking it off when I head back here once more in a futile attempt to satiate my inexplicable lust for a some loser who's so square he has an actual
checkerboard pattern in his goddamn hair.
Archie: What los- check- wait, that's me.
Jughead: Not going through a severe emotional crisis precipitated by Betty's harsh words or anything.
Betty: I've had enough. I've been the same damned sweet, bubbly blonde with a crush on a developmentally disabled, paradoxically scrawny jock through thousands of issues, dozens of spin off comics, hundreds of artist, badly-written slash fiction, toys, cartoons, bubblegum wrappers, and now to top it all off I'm in some minor fanfiction where
I AM A STOAT.
A FUCKING STOAT. I just want a chance to do something other than endlessly walk up this Sisyphean hill of a love quadrangle, or complex polyhedron, or whatever-the-fuck this is!
Jughead: I'll be fine, really. No need to worry about me.
Archie and Betty (together):
SHUT UP!
Reggie and Veronica have already pulled up and gotten out of the car, watching Betty's tirade. Reggie has started joining in solely because any tirade that includes insulting Archie is something he can definitely get behind rhetorically, when they hear from deeper inside the school, someone saying "not now, Moose. We'll wait for next weekend. We're not alone at present..." Shortly thereafter Dilton Doileystoat walks into view, and everyone stops shouting)
Dilton: Evening gang. I would imagine you're all currently wondering what's been going on. I believe I can explain, possibly even in small enough words that you imbecilic cretins will understand what I'm saying.
(he begins) Archie, for your science project, I decide to created a device I'd theorized about, but had never gotten around to actually constructing: The Upper Dimensional Membrane Inhibitorâ„¢ (pat. pending, Doileystoat Mfg., Inc.)!! You see, our world has only three dimensions of which we are normally aware, but according to my calculations, there is another dimension that is potentially accessible, but shielded from our perception by a thin region of extreme spatial curvature which forms a barrier of sorts. My UDMI uses heavy graviton bombardment in order to suppress the effects of this fourth dimensional wall. I started testing it earlier this week, and the graviton field began to fluctuate, spreading uncontrollably. The higher dimension appears to be a meta-reality of sorts that is somehow a reflection of our own, the exact nature of which is unclear, but which is clearly having some sort of psychological effect. Most of you have reacted to the self-realization this reality has engendered by retreating further into your most dominant character traits, making them even more prevalent. Betty, on the other hand, has seen a complete turnaround, possibly due to some deep-seated psychological issues about which I don't remotely care enough to bother wasting my exceptionally brilliant mind unraveling.
Reggie (snorts): A gizmo that makes our innate character traits more extreme? That's
ridiculous bullshit, you namby-pamby pussified little dork who's not fit lick the cum from my dick after I finish having sex with two dozen hot women at once because
I'm just that fucking cool, more glorious than god Himself were he to spend an eternity attempting to enhance His own perfection, the very embodiment of a majesty that dwarfs entire universes in stoat form, the pinnacle-...
Yes, fine.
Yes, even for
me, I know...
Dilton, where's the damn machine?
(Dilton leads them to one of the science labs, where the UDMI sits, looking surprisingly innocuous, without even an ominous blinking red light or two to give the usual warning of its destructive potential. In an apparent concession to tradition however, there is a small red LED console sitting beside the machine with a timer-countdown currently at 42:23)
Dilton: The graviton bombardment is self-sustaining at this point, and growing. Betty's the one who's been most affected thus far, but I estimate that in less than 48 hours the barrier will be weak enough to cause a total psychotic breakdown in the entire population of Riverdale and beyond. Massive stoat-anarchy will result if we don't stop it.
Reggie: So how do we do that? I'm far too magnificent a creature to be subjected to any sort of mind-warping jazz. My mind, like anything of or associated with me, is already perfect. Sublime. Un-
Dilton: The only method I've been come up with thus far would be to initiate another graviton bombardment from the other side of the barrier, but that would mean that whoever took the machine through to operate it would be trapped when the barrier reforms. There's no telling what kind of reality they might end up in afterwards or what they themselves would become.
Betty: I'll do it. Show me how.
Now, fucker.
****
(shortly thereafter, Dilton is making final adjustments to the equipment after having briefed Betty)
Archie: But where will you go?
Betty: Who knows? Sailor Moon doujinshi, minor character in some superhero comic who dies in order to kick off some desperate attempt by the publisher to regain market share in the form a a massive, plot-hole-filled, confusing mega-crossover "event" of some sort, de-aged and stuck in a Rainbow Brite relaunch... Frankly, I don't give a shit. As I said before, in case you didn't notice, I’M A FREAKING STOAT. This is the last straw. I want out, period.
Dilton: We're ready! Everyone but Betty has to get out of here now or we'll be trapped in the transport bubble!
Veronica: So long, Betty! For a member of the inferior class, you were a good friend!
(Betty moves towards the machine, and smiles very slightly)
Betty: In a way, I'm almost going to miss Riverdale...
(Behind her, she can faintly hear the others still talking as they try to put distance between themselves and the lab)
Archie (distantly): But who will I try to go on a stoat-date with at the same time as Veronica with hilarious and not at all predictable results
now?
Betty (activating machine): Not terribly, terribly, much though.
****
(Exactly 12 minutes later, on a computer readout in the empty lab)
FOURTH DIMENSIONAL WALL STABILIZED. REALITY NORMALIZED. ANTHOPOMORPHIC COMPTER WHICH IS NOT A PART OF THE USUAL ARCHIE UNIVERSE SELF-TERMINATING.
(there is a fizzle of sparks, then silence)
End.
.
.
BONUS: American Graffiti-style character epilogues:
Archie Andrewstoat is still attending Reverdale High School, splitting his time between Veronica and Cheryl Blosstoat, the local <strike>slut</strike> outgoing redhead, and most likely will continue to do so until the end of time.
Forstoathe "Jughead" Jones continues to be Archie's best friend, and that's
all they are, dammit, in addition to being a general stoat-loafer. The only unusual event was shortly following Betty's departure, when, after winning the Riverdale Hot-Dog Eating Contest, he suddenly broke down in tears. When asked why this was he replied that he didn't know, and demanded more hot dogs to fill the "gaping hole in his heart" or some such, but he soon got over it.
Mr. Lodgenstoat continues to try and raise his daughter the only way he knows how (read: spoiling her for some large value of rotten). During the time when the residual effects of Dilton's Upper Dimensional Membrane Inhibitor were still active, he was extremely miffed that he didn't get to actually do anything in this post, but realized he probably wouldn't have liked being a stoat much anyway.
Reggie Mantlstoat continues to be Archie's nemesis in regards to Veronica, consider himself god's greatest gift to womankind, and be a general jerk, although he's been somewhat apprehensive of Dilton since that day.
Dilton Doileystoat is still smarter than everyone else, but just doesn't rub it in as much without the machine active.
Moose Mastoat's relationship with him has most likely returned to a more statistically normal one, although one never knows for sure...
Betty Coopstoat, after making her escape from the Archie Universe, ended up as the helpless damsell in various works of
fan-hentai that require a blonde. It turns out she actually enjoys the job far more than her old one. Far more than would be reasonably expected given what tends to go on in them, in fact.
Pop Stoate still makes the best rabbit shakes in town, and will be visited by the local teenagers until the sun either exhausts its supply of fuel and burns down, or goes nova, whichever comes first.
(Note: this isn't the
promised stoat-epic, just something I came up with at work. I think that's the first thing I've written that could be considered fanfiction, aside from a few of my more speculative posts about various webcomics. I may have to do this more often. It's most likely the late-night [when I'm finishing this up] delirium talking, but I think I'll consider this the
Watchmen of Archie fanscripts done with all the characters as stoats. Unless there's a better, or indeed
any other one out there, in which case I'll humbly relinquish the title.)