ZOMBIE FORUMS

It's a stinking, shambling corpse grotesquely parodying life.
It is currently Thu Mar 28, 2024 11:34 pm

All times are UTC - 8 hours [ DST ]




Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 22 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2  Next
Author Message
 Post subject: The Final Battle for the Fate of Stoatopia! - The War Memorial
PostPosted: Fri May 20, 2005 10:31 pm 
Offline
Addict
User avatar

Joined: Mon May 06, 2002 5:00 pm
Posts: 1967
Location: All curled up in a Calabi-Yau space
Loyal . <strike>slaves</strike> . <strike>weakling masses</strike> . <strike>puny cogs in my invincible machine of world domination and death</strike> . stoat-citizens, the day of our ultimate glory is at hand. The Death Stoat Battlestation, the most powerful weapon the stoativerse has ever known, is all but complete.

Image

Our stoat-armies stand ready to do battle, to sweep into neighboring lands and claim them for the Glorius Stoat-Empire!

Image

Image

My latest invention, the Dimensional Blasteray™, will give us the supreme tactical advantage of being able to knock our enemies away in directions at right angles to reality. I have constructed a hand-portable prototype as we speak...


But our victory is not yet complete. There are still divisive elements among us, an underground movement that seeks to undo all we have accomplished, with our stoat-sweat, blood (quite a lot of that one, actually), and tears. Or rather, your stoat-sweat, blood and tears. I've been lounging around perfectly safe in my air-conditioned Fortress of stoat-doom since the coup, myself. But I digress. These terrorists, under the command of the exiled former leadership of Stoatopia, the so-called "Moderates", have sworn revenge against our Empire. They have threatened to commit genocide upon our people in time for the fall fashion season. They have tried to demoralize our troops by spreading obscene images of totally freaky shit, man. But worst of all, they HAVE ATTEMPTED TO CORRECT THE EMPEROR'S GRAMMAR!

To eliminate this threat, I have decided that the psychological will of the resistance must be broken. As such, I hereby challenge their greatest champion, the one called Michael, to a duel on the surface of the Death Stoat. It will be a duel not only of lightsabers (or whatever equivalent this "Michael" may possess- I can't be bothered to equip my enemies), but also of the magical stoat-force, which enables us to create illusions and mind-spells that confuse and enrage our enemy and any onlookers alike. Let the final battle begin!

_________________
Belief is the death of intelligence. As soon as one believes a doctrine of any sort, or assumes certitude, one stops thinking about that aspect of existence.
- Robert Anton Wilson


Last edited by Wandering Idiot on Thu Aug 11, 2005 2:54 pm, edited 4 times in total.

Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri May 20, 2005 10:31 pm 
Offline
Addict
User avatar

Joined: Mon May 06, 2002 5:00 pm
Posts: 1967
Location: All curled up in a Calabi-Yau space
Location:
The surface of the Death Stoat, pressurized by the use of a force field in a manner that gives some of the onlookers an odd sense of deja-vu...

Combatants:
Image
Michael the Ugly Giraffe and any resistance members he happen to be psychically linked to.

Image(Original image by Michael Poe)
The glorious Stoat-Emperor Idiotus, who will of course win the fight, because the handsomeness of his perfectly square stoat-mustache alone will blind the foul beast, allowing him to be easily cut down.

*The Emperor strides out onto the field of battle, his stoat-cape billowing behind him*

Where is your champion, rebels?

I dare you to face me, silly giraffe-creature!

_________________
Belief is the death of intelligence. As soon as one believes a doctrine of any sort, or assumes certitude, one stops thinking about that aspect of existence.
- Robert Anton Wilson


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat May 21, 2005 6:42 am 
Offline
Tourist
User avatar

Joined: Sat May 10, 2003 7:15 pm
Posts: 40
Location: On Madadric's monitor... Or am I?
And so i have been CALLED out of my self-imposed hermitage on GAVIN-IV, armed only with my DEADLY PURPLE LIGHTSABER, a TANK FULL OF GAS, and a whole FAT CAN OF NAKEDS.

Tremble, FEEBLE STEMPEROR, for i am ONE WITH TEH FORCE, and NOTHING EWE CAN DO CAN DEFEAT ME.

BEHOLD, THE TRUE, PURE MAJESTY OF YOUR ENEMY.

Image

LONG LIVE THE PEOPLE'S REPUBLIC OF STOAT.

_________________
on 1!:ACTION:*pokes Michael*:*: //describe $chan rapes $nick until their anus is nothing but a bloody mess.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat May 21, 2005 7:31 am 
Offline
Addict
User avatar

Joined: Mon May 06, 2002 5:00 pm
Posts: 1967
Location: All curled up in a Calabi-Yau space
*Activates temporal illusion stoat-force*

Michael the Giraffe wrote:
And so i have been CALLED out of my self-imposed hermitage on MANSECKS-IV, armed only with my PUNY PURPLE PENIS, a TANK FULL OF GOATS, and a whole CAN OF NAKED FAT CHICKS.

I tremble before you, MIGHTY AND INVINCIBLE EMPEROR, for i am PATHETIC AT USING TEH FORCE, and MY ONLY POWER IS TO MAKE TERRIBLE PUNS.

BEHOLD, THE TRUE, PURE MAJESTY OF YOUR ENEMY:

Image

LONG SHALL LIVE THE <strike>PEOPLE'S REPUBLIC</strike> EVIL EMPIRE OF STOATOPIA, despite my feeble efforts to make it do otherwise.

Also, my favorite cable channel is Lifetime.


Have at thee!

*Runs towards the orange one, lightsaber drawn*


Nothing can defeat the power of the Dark Side of the Stoat-force! Your efforts will avail you of nothing, and I shall rule the galaxy!

_________________
Belief is the death of intelligence. As soon as one believes a doctrine of any sort, or assumes certitude, one stops thinking about that aspect of existence.
- Robert Anton Wilson


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat May 21, 2005 8:56 am 
Offline
PostWhorePornStar
User avatar

Joined: Mon May 20, 2002 5:00 pm
Posts: 6793
Location: OI!
/me stands around the battlefield, with an entire stoat-battalion, with their guns leveled at Michael.

/me shakes his head.

This... this is hardly fair.

-Kitty

_________________
No. Antidisestablishmentarianism. Enigma. Muraena. Pundit. Malaise. Clusterfuck. Hootenanny.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat May 21, 2005 9:59 am 
Offline
PostWhorePornStar
User avatar

Joined: Fri Jan 17, 2003 5:00 pm
Posts: 7672
Location: Tallahassee, FL
Michael's neck shrunk. A tactical advantage?


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat May 21, 2005 1:15 pm 
Offline
Addict
User avatar

Joined: Wed Dec 11, 2002 5:00 pm
Posts: 1674
Location: The deep, dark corners of my mind
Well, I would assume he's harder to decapitate now...

_________________
Insanity is your friend. It keeps that pesky Real World at a distance.

Godless Socialist Pedant


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat May 21, 2005 3:31 pm 
Offline
<font color=darkred><b>Lorem Ipsum
User avatar

Joined: Sat Apr 13, 2002 5:00 pm
Posts: 3342
Location: ich bin ein Auslander
H-Kat wrote:
/me stands around the battlefield, with an entire stoat-battalion, with their guns leveled at Michael.

/me shakes his head.

This... this is hardly fair.

-Kitty


*Somewhere, somehow, madadric starts choking, and lifts slightly off the ground.*

_________________
Image


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sun May 22, 2005 12:32 pm 
Offline
PostWhorePornStar
User avatar

Joined: Mon May 20, 2002 5:00 pm
Posts: 6793
Location: OI!
*The Stoat-armies grow visibly impatient.

One of the Stoat Commanders approaches Lord Kitty.*

"The men grow impatient! Give us the order! Let us fire!"

*Lord Kitty makes a stoat appear in the Stoat Commander's anus.*

'You'll fire when I say you'll fire.

...

Soon...'

-Kitty

_________________
No. Antidisestablishmentarianism. Enigma. Muraena. Pundit. Malaise. Clusterfuck. Hootenanny.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sun May 22, 2005 8:57 pm 
Offline
Addict
User avatar

Joined: Mon May 06, 2002 5:00 pm
Posts: 1967
Location: All curled up in a Calabi-Yau space
Michael hears a voice in his head.

Michael... Use the stoat-force... it is your only hope. With it, you can rewrite reality itself.



*The Emperor has nearly reached the giraffe, lightsaber held out in front, ready to strike him down...*

_________________
Belief is the death of intelligence. As soon as one believes a doctrine of any sort, or assumes certitude, one stops thinking about that aspect of existence.
- Robert Anton Wilson


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sun May 22, 2005 9:39 pm 
Offline
Spawn of Kyhm and D
User avatar

Joined: Fri Nov 01, 2002 5:00 pm
Posts: 4498
Location: Australia
Meanwhile, this was occuring elsewhere in the galaxy.

_________________
Image


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon May 23, 2005 1:01 pm 
Offline
PostWhorePornStar
User avatar

Joined: Mon May 20, 2002 5:00 pm
Posts: 6793
Location: OI!
*Barely noticable, the Stoat-force ripples, just slightly.

The Emperor's stride is interupted... he stumble, trips, and falls at the feat of Michael.

Lord Kitty smiles.*

'Gentlemen... new target. Aim.... at the ready....'

-Kitty

_________________
No. Antidisestablishmentarianism. Enigma. Muraena. Pundit. Malaise. Clusterfuck. Hootenanny.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue May 24, 2005 12:37 am 
Offline
YOU SAID YOU LEFT
User avatar

Joined: Mon Apr 05, 2004 10:05 pm
Posts: 93
Location: A sealed hole in Actor's Basement.
From the shadows a new figure emerges.

Darkness itself streches out behind him.

A title appears above his head:
NOW IS THE TIME

Gathered warriors turn to face him.

"I was once known as Evil-Actor. Yes, I relished the title of magnificent evil and horror. But now I am a new man, a twisted man. Brothers I am Stoat Tse-Dong. Future and eternal ruler of Stoat-topia!"

In his hands he carries a small furry package.
"This little Stoat was crushed to death by me, crushed in my hands, then cut open so I could feed on his tastier organs. If I had been in charge I tell you this, I wouldn't of let me get away with this type of tyranny!"

He throws the baby Stoat behind him.

"If I was in charge then this stoat fur-coat I'm so fashionably modeling, all yours for just $45 in the back-allyway over there, and stoat-skull necklace, $4.99 at your nearest Stoat-Mart, would never have existed. Nooo my brothers, this Emperor has done nothing to save our little Stoat babies from the terrifying forces of people like me and people that work for my organisation."

He sips some of the Stoat-Cola, made from stoat stem cells and then goes on.

"WILL YOU RISE UP WITH ME, LORD STOAT-TSE DONG! WILL YOU MOVE PAST THE FOLLY OF THE OLD WAYS AND DESTROY ALL THOSE THAT DARE TO EDIT OUR POSTS? WILL YOU GIVE ME THE KEYS TO THE DEATH-STOAT? WILL YOU STAND TOGETHER?!?"

The crowd begins cheering.

"Excellent. Then let us begin."

Stoat Tse-Dong pulls out an AK-47 but then trips and drops it. The gun misfires, riddling the would-be despot's braincase with holes.

evil-actor.

_________________
Image
I WILL EAT YOUR PLANET!


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue May 24, 2005 2:15 am 
Offline
Addict
User avatar

Joined: Mon Aug 09, 2004 2:44 pm
Posts: 1821
Location: Home! Wheeeeee!
So, when is this thread going to move to the RP forum? :p

_________________
Image


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue May 24, 2005 2:31 am 
Offline
PostWhorePornStar
User avatar

Joined: Sun Nov 30, 2003 2:17 pm
Posts: 5983
Location: Around about there.
Emy wrote:
So, when is this thread going to move to the RP forum? :p

Or even into the Kyhm Forums Battles thread.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue May 24, 2005 7:16 am 
Offline
PostWhorePornStar
User avatar

Joined: Fri Jan 17, 2003 5:00 pm
Posts: 7672
Location: Tallahassee, FL
It shant, as its for the battle of Stoatopia.

We need more stoat comics.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue May 24, 2005 8:12 am 
Offline
Addict
User avatar

Joined: Mon May 06, 2002 5:00 pm
Posts: 1967
Location: All curled up in a Calabi-Yau space
*The Emperor continues to dash towards Michael (as he runs, he extends his paw to the side, casting a stoat-force spell towards some fool stoat with an Evil Mustache who just stepped onto the field). Arriving at Michael, he force-pushes the purple lightsaber out of his grasp, and then swings his own, ready to cut him in two. The red saber rushes towards the giraffe's midsection, and...

-is stopped, by Michael's WANG. The saber is unable to cut it.*

Emperor Stoat: That's not right.

*Shrugging, the Emperor continues his attack. The lightsaber and wang clash back and forth, as the two combatants duel. With a mighty stab-swing combo, Michael knocks the Emperor away, his lightsaber falling into a nearby exhaust port. The Emperor lands on all fours facing away from his opponent, who in turn charges toward the stoat, preparing to buttsex0r him into oblivion.*

Michael: Wai wai!

Emperor Stoat (from ground): Stupid giraffe. I will end this now! Commander Kat, throw me the prototype dimensional blaster!

_________________
Belief is the death of intelligence. As soon as one believes a doctrine of any sort, or assumes certitude, one stops thinking about that aspect of existence.
- Robert Anton Wilson


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue May 24, 2005 9:57 am 
Offline
PostWhorePornStar
User avatar

Joined: Mon May 20, 2002 5:00 pm
Posts: 6793
Location: OI!
*H-Kat smiles grimly, and raises his hand.*

'It's Lord Kitty.'

*He fires the dimensional blaster directly at the Emperor.*

-Kitty

_________________
No. Antidisestablishmentarianism. Enigma. Muraena. Pundit. Malaise. Clusterfuck. Hootenanny.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue May 24, 2005 10:44 am 
Offline
Addict
User avatar

Joined: Mon May 06, 2002 5:00 pm
Posts: 1967
Location: All curled up in a Calabi-Yau space
*In a burst of light, Idiotus III is hit by the beam from the blaster. Before he even has the chance to scream his intentions of bloody and prolonged revenge, all of him disappears except for what looks like a 2-dimensional slice of his midsection. The visible cross-section seems to move further down his body, ending in a small slice of the tuft of his tail, and then is gone.*

The crowds of Stoat-Troopers surrounding Lord H-Kat begin to chant:

THE EMPEROR IS DEAD!! LONG LIVE THE EMPEROR!!!


*Just then, the lightsaber that fell into the exhaust port earlier reaches the reactor at the center of the Death Stoat™, and, in a display of stunning incompetence on the part of the station's designers, causes it to go critical. The runaway chain reaction explodes the station into a rather large number of sparkly little bits, killing everyone on board, and at last bringing to an end the oppressive reign of

The Stoat-Emperors!! <insert Ebil Theme Song here> *

_________________
Belief is the death of intelligence. As soon as one believes a doctrine of any sort, or assumes certitude, one stops thinking about that aspect of existence.
- Robert Anton Wilson


Last edited by Wandering Idiot on Thu Aug 11, 2005 2:57 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue May 24, 2005 10:47 am 
Offline
PostWhorePornStar
User avatar

Joined: Mon May 20, 2002 5:00 pm
Posts: 6793
Location: OI!
Well, that was fun.

Cake now?

-Kitty

_________________
No. Antidisestablishmentarianism. Enigma. Muraena. Pundit. Malaise. Clusterfuck. Hootenanny.


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 22 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2  Next

All times are UTC - 8 hours [ DST ]


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 22 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
cron
Powered by phpBB © 2000, 2002, 2005, 2007 phpBB Group